Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
By Jennifer Lingle, M.Ed.
When out for lunch one day, a lovely older couple and their daughter sat down in a booth near us. They went up to the buffet to fill up their plates as a family, and the daughter returned to the table first. She sat down, put her plate on the table in front of her and quietly waited for her family to return to the table so they could all start eating their lunch together. Oh, and did I mention that their daughter had Autism?
Witnessing this, I wanted to go up to her parents and just hug them. I didn’t of course, as that would not have been socially acceptable. Instead, I decided to write about the experience.
Children with Autism can be very picky eaters, so I understand why manners tend to take a backseat at mealtimes. Parents would rather focus on getting their child to eat their veggies than harp on table manners. After all, is it that important to teach your child to wait to eat his meal before the rest of the family sits, or to stay at the table until everyone is finished eating?
While it’s true that we have to pick our battles, it is still important to teach children with Autism the social skills that they need and can carry with them the rest of their life. The difference between your child requesting a “drink” and “drink please” may seem like a small one, but people really do respond better when we say our “pleases” and “thank-yous.” So if your child already mastered the word “drink,” you might as well throw in “please” for good measure.
Here are a few manners that could really benefit your child.
- Saying please and thank you. If your child is non-verbal, teach him sign language for these polite words, or encourage the use of symbols. While it is more important to teach your child functional requests, such as bathroom, drink, food, etc., there is no harm in adding a please and thank you; it makes a practical difference and turns demands into polite requests.
- Holding doors for other people. This simple skill promotes an awareness of others. It teaches your child to look around and check if someone is walking through the door behind him. Holding the door open will also cause others to say thank you, which will reinforce your child’s thank-yous, too.
- Not interrupting. You can practice this skill during mealtimes at home. You can give your child a wait symbol while you are speaking to someone else at the dinner table. Pair the symbol with the verbal command, “Please wait. I am talking.” When it is his turn to talk, take the wait symbol back and say, “Okay, now it is your turn.” You could also try giving your child the wait symbol when you are on the telephone. When you get off the phone, take the symbol back and say, “Your turn.” Teaching your child to wait while others are speaking is a life skill that will benefit both you and your child.
- Staying at the table until everyone is finished eating. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to finish your entire meal because your child is still sitting at the table? Of course, I understand that some children just can’t sit for long periods of time due to sensory issues, but perhaps you can start by encouraging this skill while having a one course meal of pizza. Teaching your child expectations is an important ingredient in the social skills recipe.
- Waiting until everyone is served before starting to eat. Many manners in our society are best practiced and learned during mealtimes. Any activity that involves waiting is a wonderful learning opportunity for your child. Your child will learn to look at others and notice what others are doing. He will learn to be more aware of his surroundings and he will learn how to be patient. Waiting for others also improves impulse control.
- Saying sorry, or excuse me, when bumping into someone. Many children with Autism have a poor sense of where their body is in space. They may bump into walls, furniture, and other people. If this is your child, he may not even realize that he has just knocked into someone. This is when you can say, “Jack, you just bumped into this gentleman. Please say I am sorry.” If your child is non-verbal, you can carry “excuse me” symbols with you, and you can ask him to hand the symbol to the person he bumped into. Saying sorry, or excuse me, is a good practice for your child, and will help him in a variety of social situations.
Setting boundaries, guidelines, and expectations gives your child a road map to how to behave in different social situations. Teaching manners may seem like a tedious task at first, but you and your child will be grateful for it in the end. You will be giving him the tools that he needs to be a successful part of society, and because of your perseverance, you will be able to sit, relax, and enjoy your lunch in a booth in a restaurant in the middle of the afternoon with your family. Manners matter!